Ass Kissing?

Guess what it tastes like?
Yup that's right. A bit like ass!

Glasvegas Die Tonight!

Why the fuck does such a shit band get rated best british new band and stuff. Every song they have is so depressing, their most up beat song is aboot getting stabbed up the arse. Let's see how up beat you are when I do that to you. When they came on in that club I was like what the fuck. Why the fuck would folk want to dance to a song aboot yer dah fucking off and leaving ye. They've ruined perfectly good scottish chants such as "here we fucking go" which every fucking cunt will use now. I could easy write a slow song wae nae fucking difficulty to it and sing "get yer chebs oot" and I'd be getting aw the attention. Fuckin' HATE glas-fucking-shitey-vegas!

Karma or Coincidence?

My bets on coincidence since karma's aload of shite.
Either way still jealous tae fuck!
How can it be karma, if karma was the real deal, why do bad things happen to good people blah blah, it would mean that aw the shit things would be happening to bad people with the bad people doing it to them, so theres no stop. Just a vicious cycle? init?
anyway, jealous... aye!

Relationship Status Has Changed

I think it's funny how one of the first things to happen when people start going out or break up, the first thing to change is the relationship status on bebo or myspace or whatever social networking site it is. haha. Is it that important for you to let people know you've actually found someone. It's just the fact that how attached some people are to these things. There was this guy on world's stricted parents that was like "myspace is my world, I cannie live without it, I need picture comments to feel validated!"
Fuck that. I don't even know what I'm writing anymore cause I stopped writing for a bit and I can't be bothered reading it to double check so..SAVE!

Fuck The Channel Changer!

I think people would be more healthy if channel changers didn't exist. Think aboot when ye see these massive cunts that cannie get oot a chair what are they dain, they are sittin' watchin' the tele. If some cunt didny invent a wee hing that changed the chanel fae yer seat they'd need to get oot the seat to change the channel. They get fat coz they dont need to move to do anthing. Infact if there was no channel changer, and they were that lazy to get up and change the channel aw the time, they might no even watch tv, and dae something a bit more productive. My remotes been broke for ages and I hate getting out bed to change the channel so I usually just turn it off and dae something else. Best ever, I've found myself actually getting some work done. Fuck you mr. remote inventor!

Pigeons Are Moshers

Standing in central station I came to realise that pigeons must walk around with tiny headphones in listening to banging tunes. The way they walk about, it's like they're headbanging or something, or maybe a wee bit of hip hop on the go, just their wee heed bobbin' up n doon. Next time you see one just imagine it walking about to a wee tune you would usually nod yer head to.
On that note I'd also like to add the fact that pigeons have turned on me, I used to not mind them but they've started viciously attacking me. I think they maybe want revenge on me 'cause I used to chase them when I was wee and I actually hit a couple a few times, they've got wise to me. I'm going to write a movie script about a group of pigeons that start attacking and killing everyone 'cause noones ever made a movie like that before.
Here's a little picture I made of how I think pigeons will walk about in the near future.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

HOW THE FUCK CAN PAPER BEAT A ROCK!!
I get scissors beating paper, but a rock would just smash through paper and if ye did cover it up, it doesny make it any less of a rock, its still gonni hurt if it hits ye. and if ye wrapped a pair of scissors in paper ye coodny use them. What a stupid fucking game!

Heeds Up Their Somewhere.

If You Have Ever Laughed At The Mghty Boosh

Even just once, you loose at a little game I like to call, Life. I really hope they die in a horrific car accident. How the fuck can folk like such an unfunny pair of jobby jabbers! They aren't even funny when they're in episodes of darkplace. Folk always say to me aw you should like it it's your sense of humour! Is it fuck, it's the worst type of hunour ever, I could get a fucking tv show if I just started saying random shite like they do. Ye ever drank baileys fae a shoe, aye a huv, you ever been shot in the face by a guy called Jordan coz if ye havn't, yer aboot tae!

Ten Masked Men

I think this is one of the most engenious things around.
Not just these songs. They've got hunners of mad covers. br00tal.

It's a Knock Out

Anyone know any good ways to knock yerself out? Cannie sleep at all and I have an exam in 5 hours. Do you think if someone knocked you out wae a punch right before you went tae bed, you'd get up a few minutes later like normal or would you sleep right through to the morning? Coz I'm almost at the point where I start punching my face, but I don't think I'm strong enough to knock myself out.

T Mobile G1

Decent phone just some getting used to, means I can update this thing on the go and you won't miss out on a thing haha.
Dunno if that's good or bad, the internet's already such a distraction, dunno if i need more of it.
Camera doesny even take videos but, and nae flash. Means a cannie take gay piks when am oot partying. Maybe a good thing coz I always look shite in photaes and coz of that I pull a daft face that makes me look even more shite.
Fuck it am stuck wae it for 18months noo.

What A Smashing Day

Dented ma wallet a bit but,new phone, new guitar. Fucking cracking.
And I'm in love wae that lassie fae starbucks, she wants me, she just doesnt know it yet. Making it my regular for a tuesday morning coffee, HELLO STALKER!

Daylight

It's just dawned on me that I think this is the first time in a month that I've saw daylight on account of that I usually sleep till 4 and it's dark by then. I quite liked it, not so much of a wasted day. On the other hand I completely fucked the test I had. Spent half an hour writing up my arm so I could just cheat coz I'm no good at the study malarky, wore a long sleeve top to cover it then got in early to sit up the back only to find thats it's allocated seats and I'm right up the front. Whats the point in sitting a test if ye cannie cheat? If I fuck this up I'm considering gettin a job as a bum in London, I hear they make 30 odd grand a year. Must be balony. I think I'd make a pretty good bum, I've tried it before, I didn't make any money but, and I'd just worry about how shit I look all the time, and I'd hate sleeping in the cold. Second thought's maybe I wouldn't be a good bum. I just like the idea of being smashed all the time and having a pet dog. What qualifications do you need to be a bum anyway? If you don't need any, why not get a job as a bin man? You always get told at school, if you don't study you'll end up getting a shit job as a bin man. This is a better job then a bum I'm sure. Its basically the same job except your getting paid. Bin men raid through rubbish, bums raid through rubbish. The difference, the good old pay check!

Impossible

I liked this advert at first till I actually looked at it and realised ye couldny actually dae that wae the cardboard box that was at the start. No one of them anyway.
Catchy wee tune but, can see me walking about hummin it. One of they wee ones ye sing when yer having a coosht wee day. :)

This Hurt

SHITE!

Just shite! What a fucking shite night. Nothing good about it at all. Waste of money.
I fucking hate club de mar. I fucking hate pills. I fucking hate scrapping. I fucking hate when all yer pals abandon you and you need to get a £60 taxi hame yersel. Only good part about tonight was that gig, and it was pretty shit apart from seeing a few faces, wae the price of that taxi hame, I'd have been aswell going to Glasgow wae every cunt for a ten times better night out, I'm never going to that fucking club again, long live the fucking metro. I hate fucking complaining, but tonight's been that shite that it's worth it. SHITE SHITE SHITE SHITE SHITE!

Are you a genious?

I actually think I'm a genious sometimes. No way spelling n maths n shit like that.
Just how my mind works, its far too complicated for me to even understand, and i'm a fucking genious. Karl Pilkington asked the question. "Am I in control of my mind or is it in control of me?" This baffles me. Am I telling my brain to tell my body what to do or is it just telling me what to do, and whys it hiding from me, why does it never leave my head and show itself face to brain! I think it's intimidated by me. I'd like to think that I'm in control of it but i think when I do this it gets annoyed and tricks me, pretends i see something thats not there just to teach me a lesson. What a cunt. I better not bad mouth it or it'll be at it again. Maybe that's why my arms twitching? (see last blog) It knows I'm thinking about it and it's trying to annoy me? I should just threatin it and hold a gun to my head, but then it would probs know that I was bluffing. My brain must really hate me actually, coz I'm slowly killing it with alcohol, how my liver must feel.


But back to the point I really think I could be a genious and I've got it stuck in my head that I'm destened for greatness. I don't know how, but something big's due my way. I'm no into this working carry on, whih means I have to make my living from just being amazing at something. Being Great. The Best!

Deep Fried

Jenna captured me perfectly!
Deep Fried

Would I fuck climb a hill!
P.s my arm keeps twitching. Fucks up wae that?

Le Cinematic

I really didnt think people went to the pictures on a Friday night. Place was mobbed the night. I thought the cinema was just a weekday thing for folk to go to when they were bored. I mean don't get me wrong I expected weans to be there coz they cannie go oot, but it was actually mobbed. Why are people gon tae the pictures instead of gon oot tae get smashed. It's that bloody credit crunch a hink, folk cannie afford tae party as hard as they used tae. Never thought I'd ever spend a friday at the cinema. Usually just stay in if a don't go oot. Saing that it wasn't a bad wee night.

I also realised that the smallest things ever annoy me, so much. I always get pissed off at people for the smallest thing but the big things that would annoy other people don't phase me at all.
All that happened was that my friend swapped cinema tickets with me when I didn't want to. It didn't matter coz we never sat in our allocated seats any way. But it still annoyed me and I'm no resting till I get that ticket back. It's just annoying me coz it was MY ticket and I wanted MY ticket!
Another time this has happened was when two friends took a couple of my shots without asking, I went bears and stopped talking to them for a while. It always seems to be when people take things from me without my consent. I probably do exagerate, but I don't care. What's mine is mine!!

It's All Coming Together

Quite nicely I may add!
2009's getting more stuff added to it making it look much better.

1) T in the park tickets already ordered.
2) Got my oasis tickets sorted after a lot of hastle with the ticket outlet
3) Just booked my holiday for this year wae the lads. Maga 21st June.

If yer at any of these give me a shout. Im starting to look forward to this year. I fancy a few road trips aswell. 2009 is gonni be sweeeeet!

P.s I really want one of these after watching the justice documentary. Just for my room or something.

You could take out an elephant with that fucking thing, dunno why I'd ever want to take out an elephant, I just like mad things like this decorating my room. haha

Winge Winge Fuckin' Winge

That's all everyone seems to do these days. Fuck sake I've even found myself doing it a few times. But really everyone seems to be on a downer these days, everywhere I look folk seem to be complaining about something. Who cares, stop winging, do something about it. You've not got enough time to worry about shit. No care attitudes are the way to go. Worry about shit when yer deed and buried.

On another note. I seem to think I'm invincible these days. I dunno why. I just seem to think that it doesn't matter what I do. I still think I'll get by even if I know that's not the case. Like these exams coming up, I havn't done much revision at all, but I'm still pure confident even though when I try to do the questions I can't do them. I still think I'm going to get by. The sad thing is, if i dont pass them, I don't think I'll care, I'll just find some other career path. I know it's the wrong way to go about it but fuck it I'm not caring. If I pass I'll literally walk out that university screaming "I'm fucking untouchable!!" I'll let you all know what happens.

From Hero to Zero

I really don't know why anyone would want to be a rapper. They always seem to flop. Look a coolio. Big star rapper with one of the biggest tunes about (gangsta's paradise) on celebrity big brother, where all the half arsed celebs converse together.That and even lower playing Strathclyde uni a few years ago. Saying that..I don't think big brother looked far this year for the housemates, they must have just looked at who's appeared at that Uni, coz mini me was there not too long ago. Least his acting careers still alive. Even worse but, Ice Cube. Another big "bad-ass-gangsta", what's he doing now? I'll tell you what he's doing! Shitey wee family films like "Are we done yet?". Some bad ass gangster you are. I hope I don't get in your bad books. How degrading for them.

Mini Me

1. I really hate it when big brothers on tele, coz it literally takes over, even when it's 4 in the morning and everyone's asleep. Somehow I always end up watching it anyway.

2. I really want my own mini me, I think it's just from watching big brother. Whenever I see Verne Troyer I get a wee soft spot for him. If noone will get me my own little clone, I think someone should kidnap Verne and dress him up like me. I can just imagine walking down the town with him dressed the same and all that, getting smashed together and dancing at gigs n stuff, turning heads. And clearly we'd be best pals coz he'd be just like me. But then maybe if he was just like me we'd argue all the time, coz I'd just be a dick to myself and we'd go for the same burds but he'd get them coz he's got the cute factor and the money.
Can you tell the difference?



Excuse the dodgey editing skills.

Expressions & Sayings

I was just thinking, the other day someone said to me, "It's as good as gravy!".
It's got me thinking about saying's and stuff. What if you don't like gravy? Does that mean its shite. I mean don't get me wrong I like my gravy now and again but it gets sickening and I'm sure not everyone in the world likes gravy. If they do I'd eat my hat. Which brings me to another saying, If so n so happens... I'd eat my hat.
How the hell did that come about? I mean the good as gravy one I get, clearly someone that really likes gravy came up with it, but I'd eat my hat? My guess is whoever said this first must have been saying something like... "Aw if he dusny get that promotion i'll eat..." then at this point he see's two things, a big piece of shite and his hat, what one would you go for? Hence they came out with..."Aw if he dusny get that promotion i'll eat my hat!" I wonder if anyone has actually ate their hat out of this expression, if you have please inform me. Cannie believe I actually got out of bed to type this. I felt it was important that you all knew. If I think of any other sayings that I'm no happy about I'll let you know.

Insane Food

Watch this video. I thought I was mad eating things like kangaroo, but this is mad. I think I'd probs try it. Try everything once and all that jazz.

Animals are getting too smart.

Noone else think animals are getting too smart. Especially monkeys. Monkeys have always been kinda smart, doing simple tasks and all that jazz, but they're started to perform harder tasks. I saw a video of a monkey looking after a baby. Babysitters are gonni be out of a job soon if this keeps up.
Other animals are getting too smart as well. This video is not only funny, its quite scary.

If animals are starting to talk, that means they are going to have opinions soon, and be allowed to vote. I sposse this is just evolution but its fucking scary. I prefer dogs as pets and play mates, I hate to see the day where I start to sit down and have a tea and a conversation with a dog, coz they're just gonni get too smart and no want to play anymore coz they think they're to good for it.

Grapes & Olives

From the past two weeks I've learned... I FUCKING HATE OLIVES!
Don't ye hate it when ye go to eat a nice juicey grape and it's a fuckin' stinkin' olive.
Nae cunt likes olives man. I've had this discussion a lot lately. They're fuckin' pointless.
They think they're grapes. BUT... their no. They're just imposters that deserve to be eradicated.
Can you tell the difference?



Next time you go to eat a lovely grape, be careful, it could be a trap and be a evil caniving olive.
BE WARNED!

12 Hour Sleeps

I really hate them, but they've became a bad habbit of mine.
Bad times!

New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!!!
How'd you all bring it in.
Hope 2009's good 'coz todays been shite.